What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
You Might Also Like
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!