*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
You Might Also Like
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
The police never think its as funny as you do.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
waiting for halloween be like:
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”