This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
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Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Who did it better?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.