My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Breaking news:
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!