PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
You Might Also Like
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates