when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
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She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left