Going feral. Y’all need anything?
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
i hate you platonically
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo