Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
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You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Squirrels before girls.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos