I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
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I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.