doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
You Might Also Like
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
constantly working on myself.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again