I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
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You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”