If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
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me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Unimpressed
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!