Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.