Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
The Friday File.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
i love modern commerce
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.