If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
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“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
What if the weather talks about us?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.