“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
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i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
When your best mate counts as a desk too
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.