Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
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Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Perfect
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse