We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
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ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
where the womens at?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I’ve been learning to cook.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.