Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
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If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters