I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.