me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
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They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’m giving up for Lent.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”