I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
The pasta is now
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select