Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
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Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?