doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
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[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out