Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
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I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.