The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
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Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
hey, alexa
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
that de-escalated quickly
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep