Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
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I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Lol
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
She: I like Cats
He:
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*