GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*