Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
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friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop