I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
this… may be the greatest story ever told