That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]