People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
so weird how every mom was born today
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you