SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
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It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
my favorite genre of twitter
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.