What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
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I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
i dont have time for this
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
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5.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?