Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
this chia pet tastes awful
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood