Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
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A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
#growingpains