before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
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[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
#SuperBowl
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby