PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
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I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Cheers Twitter.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi