Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
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If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
can’t bark with your mouth full
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Inside you there are two wolves
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever