@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I love the honesty
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.