Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
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the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
welp
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.