my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
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If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
And then there were 4
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want