When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
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This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.