me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
You Might Also Like
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters