My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
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Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.