PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
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You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that