Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
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daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
When you kidnap a writer.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.