People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
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People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh