If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok