Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
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A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Beware…..
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.